Goodbye, Sensei
by DaetionNation
Summary: My headcanon ending that turned into a fanfic. Suzume visits Sensei at the hospital. One shot. Kinda Shizume, but Mazume in the end.


_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

The sound of Sensei's heartbeat filled her ears, as well as the room. For the longest time, it felt as if was the only sound there was- besides Suzume's almost silent breathing. She looked around, trying to look for something to comment on- the white blankets, the hospital beds, his bandaged forehead- but nothing felt right. It was if there was nothing to say. So there they stood, both frozen like statues, neither of them quite knowing what to say.

Finally, it was Suzume who spoke.

"What happened?" She said quietly. She was surprised her voice didn't break.

He smiled his broken smile. "Concussion," he said matter-of-factly, and then suddenly they were engulfed by silence once more.

And once more, Suzume would be the first to speak.

"Tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me what you wanted to say back then."

She thought of the nurse's office, so much like this room, filled with white bed sheets and lined with squeaky beds; she thought of the medical supplies and the sugar, the sweet smell of Sensei. Smoke. Lavender. And something she never could quite figure out. Then again, she never could figure out Sensei.

She thought of his loss words and her heavy heart, how the unspoken lines weighed so much more than those spoke. She felt grey and guarded in a way that made her uncomfortable, like she was wearing armour two sizes too big. Large and clunky, it was a pathetic defence for a pathetic girl. She would be that girl no longer. The unexpressed feelings. The hidden truths. They had haunted her for so long, teasing her, like a tickle on the back of her neck. She could barely stand it anymore. She didn't know what would happen after she heard them. She didn't know those words were going to unleash.

It scared her.

But she would still hear them.

She could tell he was confused. She liked when she did that- confuse him. It made her feel like he didn't know everything. That he couldn't always be the answer to everything. That sometimes, she could be the answer to him.

Now she doubted that there was an answer to anything.

But like teachers do, Sensei cleared his throat, turned his eyes and bandaged head towards her, and spoke clearly and confidently. Even if he wasn't.

"I know I don't deserve this," he began, "this opportunity to talk to you. I don't deserve any of it. I don't even deserve to _look _at you. Let alone be with you."

Her heart tightened. She made no movement.

"But I need to tell you that… that I never stopped. I never stopped loving you. I said I didn't, and I lied, and I-I lied to you, Suzume. I got scared. Your uncle found out and I- I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him knowing that I loved you. So I told you I didn't, and hoped that one day it would be the truth."

"But that wasn't it. Losing you just made me miss you more. And watching you with Mamura, well- that just about broke me. It broke me enough to make me realize how stupid I was being. And that I wasn't doing this for you- for your future, or your life- but for me. I was selfish enough to be with you, even if I was a teacher. And I was selfish enough to break up with you, just to save myself."

"And yeah, maybe I was scared," his voice finally broke, "Maybe I was scarred to love you. Because it's so scary to love someone whole-heartedly, Chun-Chun. It's so scary. It's like giving your heart into slippery hands. Hurt, pain, loss- it's all a second away. And I didn't want to give myself to you, Chun-Chun. I didn't want to be afraid. But the thing is, I'm not afraid anymore. I just want to be able to tell you how I feel, because I finally understand how precious it is to be able to speak these feelings, and I finally understand how precious it is to love you."

"So Chun-Chu- no, Suzume. I want to tell you that I love you. To this day, I never stopped."

Silence. His beating heart. Her shallow breath.

Oh yes, her heart was beating too. Her face was so red she could see it out of her own vision. But something was missing. It was perfection, everything she had dreamed of- Sensei, her Sensei, telling her that he loved her, telling her that he never stopped.

And then suddenly she was crying.

Hot tears were poring down her red, bare face like waterfalls- never ending raindrops falling down against her skin as she cried, cried for Sensei, her love for him, and her pain from him, and her pain for love, and everything all at once; it was like all the emotions she had ever felt before had some rushing back as if to remind her, _this_ was what you felt for Sensei. This was your love. This is all you ever had, right here, right now.

_Now what do you want to do? _

And then she was waling all over again.

Because she knew the answer.

"Sensei," she cried, "_Sensei._"

He knew. Right away, he knew. She could tell. He wasn't sad, nor happy. He just knew. He had a small smile on his face, filled with a look she could never understand, matched with his smell she would never get to understand.

"_I'm sorry,_"her tears poured down her mouth, and onto her skirt, _"I'm so sorry."_

For her feelings had come all at once only to say goodbye.

"I love another."

And then suddenly her tears were gone, as if even the vague mention of Mamura, _her _Marmua, had soothed all of her. She was here. She was safe. And finally, she knew.

She took Sensei's hand, in the last way they would ever touch. And then she smiled.

"Thank you," she said, her voice dry and broken from her tears, "Thank you for showing me what love is."

And he smiled back his Sensei smile, that was both a little too big and a little too fake, and as she pulled away from him she could feel him wanting to hold on longer, but there was nothing to hold on to. Their connection was gone. He had said the unsaid words, and now there was nothing left to be said.

And for once, Suzume didn't look back.


End file.
